I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
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Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight