“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
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Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.