I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
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Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
A roof is a house hat.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Every. Damn. Time.