I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
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What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.