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@jordan_stratton: "I want her skin."
-Serial killers and teenage girls
@_sleepysmile: People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it's because of all the placenta I've been eating.
@Sassafrantz: "911, what's your emergency?"
Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.
@primawesome: Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
@freedom2726: When someone asks me if I'm busy, it always sounds like a trick question.
@samfromks: If you wear a man bun in a dimly lit restaurant and I call you ma'am... That's on you.