“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
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From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.