Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
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Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.