@bobbiejo448: I want minions for Christmas.
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@BigBagOfScum: Waiter, "Welcome to red lobster, I'm your seafood expert." me- "did you know octopuses have a beak?" W-"no" Me- "who's the expert now?"
@slimmy_shady: MARRIAGE PROTIP - Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
@TravLeBlanc: The first of Jay-Z's 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
@juliabailz: shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM