Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
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Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual