WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
listen closely
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.