When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
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My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.