I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
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Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials