I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
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Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees