@TheTweetOfGod: "I want my country back" is a fair and accurate thing to say if at one point in your life you owned the country.
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@ojedge: [on a plane] Stewardess: "Would you like a mint? It'll help your ears during takeoff" Me: "Sure, can I have two?" *puts one in each ear*
@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth. It was cute with Skittles. Then she switched to dog food.
@ZombieProblms: My wedding vows said "till death do us part." My wife died, so I was a free man. Then she came back and bit me.