My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do