@NYC_Blonde: I want my headstone to read "loving wife, evil dictator".
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@BoogTweets: Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
@ANNIEwayyyy: My mom recently figured out that the best way to get me to call her back right away is to text me that someone died but not tell me who.
@sfreeze6: Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
@chuuew: Isn't it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn't think so but that's what my new best friend is telling security