I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.