@NYC_Blonde: I want my headstone to read "loving wife, evil dictator".
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Guess what I did Me: Captured Bigfoot? Wife: I got a great deal on kid's clothes Me: Just so I'm clear, Bigfoot is still out there?
@hazelmotes1: Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.
@noogscorner: I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like "That one's shaped like an idiot."