I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
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To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
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Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.