I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
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I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
spot the difference
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Hey I worked for it too!
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.