I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
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I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Yes my dude
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
work smarter, not harder
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears