I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
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Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser