Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
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They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
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Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Current mood: Potato
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.