I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.