I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
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Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer