I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
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Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Close call…
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!