I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
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Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.