@myonlymizztake: I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn't eat that cookie? That's -150 calories.
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@DaddyJew: Me: stop playing with your food Son: if you didnt want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets? M: touchė
@Fred_Delicious: "Hey Barack" "yes Joe?" "I bet T-Rex's took terrible selfies" "Ok Joe" "Because they had..." "Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy"
@OrangeFact: Sometimes I'll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don't want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
@NicestHippo: *walks into son's room to find a recording of him snoring* Dear God *dials 911* Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90's cassette player