@myonlymizztake: I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn't eat that cookie? That's -150 calories.
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@Lisabug74: If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
@AnkCoupleTO: Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I'm eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
@trojansauce: daniel radcliffe's family were just known as the cliffe's until his great grandfather invented the kick flip
@PJTLynch: Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency? Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so... CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!