I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
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Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I wish I could veto my bills.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.