I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
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I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute