@cogentanalysis: "I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won't want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!" - cats
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@Merman_Melville: Why doesn't anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don't have it
@BillDixonish: If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I'm looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly." Ian: "I'm a medium." Me: "I need someone better than that."
@jwoodham: The only way I'm coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.