@imchriskelly: i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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@TheAlexNevil: My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused. I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I'm more aroused.
@jeffreyvanclea1: I just want 5 minutes alone with the person who thought it was a good idea to put little plastic stickers on every piece of fruit
@iwearaonesie: Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn't mean knock him off with a pillow
@MJMcKean: Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer "Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion".