i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
You Might Also Like
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.