i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there