Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
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“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?