i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
twitter users today:
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone