@TheAdly: I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
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@imasmartass37: I caught someone stalking me so I stalked them right back. It got awkward sitting in the same tree staring at each other.
@onion_an: Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant Me: Oh my god [later that day] Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That's for inventing milk
@BeardSpice: "Two birds with one stone, how about all the birds" God thinks, hurling an asteroid toward Earth