I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
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Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…