I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
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Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”