I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
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Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
No Google it does not
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!