I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
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bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Important
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!