I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
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My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Lmao
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.