I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
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I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Put this video in the Louvre
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
These 3D printers are insane!