I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
It’s a gift
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.