I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
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If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Okay, I’m still confused…
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
it is time once again
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.