I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds