I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
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When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Bringing home a sharpie