If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
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Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.