@ddsmidt: I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
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@ThisOneSayz: Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
@KenJennings: Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.
@Reverend_Scott: How to open new toy: 1. Cut tape with machete. 2. Take shot. 3. Undo 23,518 twist ties. 4. Take 3 shots. 5. Watch child play with box.
@qwertying: "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."