@ddsmidt: I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
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@That_Damn_Duck: I've never once used the "C word" in a tweet but I will now!!!! Cookie. There, happy now? You c**ts.
@BillMc7: Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn't think of this.
@Cheeseboy22: When people ask, "Don't I know you from somewhere?", I reply "Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy."
@ItsAndyRyan: Bae: Are you coming over? Me: Yes, I'm coming over. - Me and Bae having CB Radio sex