I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”