I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
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Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Finally! 😈