I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
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“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.