I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
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Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
how to market bottled water to dads
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.