I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
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I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.