I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
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Your honor these allegations are
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Legend 🤣🤣
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.