I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”