I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
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*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.